Being 'Present'

I have been chatting with Taylor lately about the idea of being 'present'. The phrase has come up in my life a lot lately, and it has begun to make me think about what it means in terms of theatre and in terms of life.

So what does being 'present' mean? From a Zen perspective, it means being where you are, wherever you are. It is the goal of meditation, and in Taoist terms means you are at one with your surroundings. Wherever you go, there you are.

But you don't have to be a Buddhist to learn to be present.

As someone who has gone through some pretty major anxiety, and experienced panic attacks, I certainly know what it is like not to be present. As an anxious person, you get hung up on one idea, one thought, one memory, one tiny "detail in the fabric" as Jason Mraz would say, and you cease to be conscious of what is going on around you. Everything happens in your head. You are not--there's that word again--present with your surroundings. Instead, you are thinking about whatever tiny detail you don't need to really be thinking about. Ughh.

I am also someone who has experienced social anxiety...that is, really, a fear of people, or social situations. Social anxiety is the inability to feel present with other people. For a huge part of my life, I would be interacting with people and, at the same time, hearing a very destructive voice inside my head. It would be saying things like 'you're not interesting enough', 'they don't like you', 'eugh, god, you're so pretentious', 'you have no idea what you're saying'. Certainly not the feeling of being present. My heart rate goes up, I tense every muscle in my body, my palms begin to sweat. I begin to have the inability to look someone in the eye for more than a few seconds, before I feel like I'm being judged-- even when I'm just being listened to.

Not being present can lead you down paths you don't really want to go. This past year, I have unfortunately found myself present in very, very few moments. Not being present can lead to anxiety, depression, dysfunctional friendships and relationships, and just generally not being satisfied with where you are. And it makes social situations just plain awful.

However, I digress. This does have to do with theatre, I swear. But this blog is sub-titled to be about theatre and life, right? I have found that many of the same things apply to both.

So, being present. I still haven't answered the question of what it is. In the last few weeks, I have discovered what it really means to be present. Or, at least, I have come closer to understanding it. Being present is being where you are. It is taking in the moment. It is, as my yoga teacher this morning said, recognizing the past and the future as not real, as only thoughts.

Being present is being in touch with your breath. These past few weeks I have lived in Vancouver, I have spent a lot of time with Taylor. He has been teaching me a lot about the work he did last spring at the National Voice Intensive, which I may be taking this year. Certainly in part related to being around Taylor, I have found myself becoming very aware of my breath, and especially when I am not breathing.

I discovered that every time I have an anxious thought, or I get hung up on an idea, or have a confusing thought about the future, or I just don't know what to do with my day, I stop breathing. Inhale. Exhale. It's so simple. Everyone does it, it's a necessity of life, and yet we all forget to do it. Or at least, I do.

If I'm talking with someone, and I feel that familiar, horrible voice at the back of my head, I'm probably not breathing either.

So, what does this have to do with theatre? Well, we need breath to speak our lines, obviously. But here's the thing that really matters: we need to be present in order to connect. Present in order to connect. That phrase carries so much weight, for acting and for living. If you aren't being present when you are with another person--if I am giving too much power to that voice in my head--then really connecting with them is next to impossible. It is the same thing when you're acting. If you aren't present with your scene partner, if you aren't really listening to what they're saying, then you will stop breathing, and you won't connect with the scene and the character. This is when we try to reach for an emotion, when we aren't present with the scene, instead of being present and letting it flow.

'Acting is listening' is something I have heard a lot in the last few years, but I think until now I haven't fully understood what it means. It means letting go of all the voices in your head, forgetting everything you've ever been taught, and just listening. And you don't have to be an actor to do this. If I find myself talking with someone and I feel my palms begin to sweat, and my heart begin to race, what do I do? Take a breath, and just listen to what the other person is saying.

One thing Taylor and I realized about the state of being present is that it does not work if you make it a 'goal' to be present. The minute you make it a goal, you stop breathing and you aren't present. It's tricky that way, because you want to be present but if you try, then it doesn't work. It's like yelling at someone, "Relax, for crying out loud!" How can you relax when you're trying to relax?

It's funny, because the goal of acting and living, in many ways, is being present in the moment. It is what we try to achieve. Yet, the only way to actually achieve this is by letting go and just being where you are.

This is one of the many ways in which I am discovering more and more that theatre is life and life is theatre.

-Lisi

All the world's a stage...

Greetings everyone!

Welcome to my theatre blog, for lack of a better description.

It occurred to me, after graduating from university with a degree in theatre, and after living and breathing theatre pretty much my whole life, that I had quite a lot to say on the topic. I also need a place to write down all my ideas, instead of having them floating around in my head. But I didn't just want to write them in a journal, because what's the good of ideas if they're not shared?! Plus I'm kind of obsessed with blogging now.

It is an open discussion of theatrical ideas of all sorts. I will post when I am inspired, angry.....
It is intended to be as unpretentious as possible. So please don't feel you need to be a theatre geek to contribute.

It's also an excuse to keep honing the art form I love so much.

With that, I bid you farewell!

-Lisi